Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

I've been so ambivalent lately. I've been in love with my on-again/off-again boyfriend Mike for about 5 years. He broke my heart when he dumped me the first time. I was wildly in love. Now, I'm not a young girl, I've been in love before and had my heart broken by the son of a bitch ["MA"] who fathered my child. That's a real gritty story for later. So this irrational behavior is so out of character for me.

I was also Mike's rebound girl. About a year went by after he dumped me, and he finally figured out that he and his SO/girlfriend of 13 years were really never getting back together. As he told me one drunken evening about 6 months ago, she "L" was & will always be the love of his life. Insert sharp gleaming enormous butcher knife into my heart. Anyway, like I said about a year had gone by since he dumped me & he came around again and we started up again. And as soon as he thought things were getting too serious on my part, he dumped me again. Again I was devastated. Crying all the time, I went a little nuts actually.

About 3 months later I happened to be at "The Pub", where we all used to hang out, on a sunny quiet Sunday, I was at the end of the bar playing the video game version of Wheel of Fortune. This big dorky looking guy & his buddy sat down next to me and big dorky started making silly outrageously funny comments about who knows what, but it got me laughing & I was deeply depressed. I realized it was Bob who I had met briefly a year or so earlier and had been told by someone that he was a friend of Mike's. In my opinion Mike was gone for good and here was this hysterically funny big dorky guy who was now full-on flirting with me. So that's how it started with Bob, he was separated and soon thereafter moved, coincidentally, into his buddy's house across the street from me. We dated for about a year and he helped me get over Mike. He told me Mike was the biggest asshole he knew, that he hated the guy & only tolerated him because they worked in the same department, and that Mike wasn't good enough for me. Bob made me laugh & made me happy. But his kids were the most important thing in his life, and they hated me because I was supposedly keeping him from their Mommy. These were "kids" in late teens/ early 20's, so how ridiculous is that! So we kept things on the DL but more than once ran into Mike either at The Pub or out shopping. It was super awkward but I think secretly Bob got a giant rush that he had wooed Mike's former girlfriend. Finally, the pressure from the kids was too much, we broke up and it hurt, but nothing like the hurt I felt when Mike left me. Bob & I talked on the phone occasionally, & I kind of thought we might still work it out. Then about 3 months later on November 4, 2006, Mike called me during a party I was throwing at my new place. He asked what I was doing, I was laughing & having a great time, I told him to come over. I was flirting outrageously with him. He was clearly drunk, so I even offered to send a non-drinking friend to pick him up. He finally said, I guess you don't know. I'm like, know what. He said you apparently don't know that Bob died today. I totally lost it. Bob's heart gave out, he wasn't even 50 yet. I was not allowed at the wake or funeral, his family hated me for no good reason. He is buried at an undisclosed location. I never got closure.

However, a week later Mike was back in my life. He never knew that Bob hated him and he was truly grief-stricken. We grieved together. Months went by and on schedule, he dumped me again. And so it's been going ever since, every 3 months he dumps me, goes 2-3 months and then he's back. I bitch him out, he takes it, then I forgive him. He's not with another woman, he just needs space. I love him. I hate him. I love him. I hate him. So, he's been back since mid-October and guaranteed he'll dump me right before Christmas. It makes me very sad because I really love him so much.

In the words of Lyle, Graham Hamilton and Terry Briten and sung by the incomparable Miss Tina Turner:
"You must understand
Though the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That its only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
Its physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that

Whats love got to do got to do with it
Whats love but a second emotion
Whats love got to do got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
It may seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed
I read it some place
Ive got cause to be
There's a name for it
Theres a phrase fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me

I've been taking on a new direction
And I have to say
Ive been thinking bout my own protection
It scares me to feel this way

Whats love got to do got to do with it
Whats love but a sweet old fashioned notion
Whats love got to do got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken"

What do you think, I'm kind of like a victim of the Stockholm Syndrome... Or somethin...

1 comment:

Fancy Schmancy said...

You know what I think, girlfriend. And, I believe, so does he. I love you, and that is all that matters. I think your first post was awesome, keep it coming from your heart. Or your coochie. Whatever you feel comfortable with.