Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sleep walking fool

I'm still mulling over my conversation with Mike on Sunday about the possibility of his taking a transfer to Florida or California. I guess I never wrote about our conversation about a month ago. He received a very humiliating demotion & pay cut the end of last year and he's been absolutely miserable, de-humanized, mortified, angry, and depressed ever since. He has said more than once that he wants to quit, but there really aren't any jobs out there, and he's worked there most of his adult life. So he really has felt very trapped since he's too young to retire, I've felt so bad for him. Anyway, about a month ago we were talking, he was sober, and he says to me out of the blue, "Do you think you'd be better off with another guy?" I immediately answered Yes. He was never so surprised. I said, well Mike, everyone thinks I should find a man who will treat me right. He goes, why would anyone say that? I said, well my friends think you treat me like shit and he couldn't believe it, he said that's not true, who says that - who knows how I treat you anyway. I said, I have good friends and family that know you don't take me out in public, you have never introduced me to your family, you act like I'm your dirty little secret, like I'm just a booty call, like I'm your mistress & that in fact you are still with your X, and it all makes me feel terrible. My family hates you for all the times you've dumped me and broken my heart. The only friends who don't criticize you are Kate, CP, and T. [that made him feel a little better.] I said, why do you ask [he never never wants to talk about our "relationship" or status so this was really a shocking question coming from him.] He said, well there's a chance I will be taking a transfer to our branch in California and I don't know what to do about you, I don't want to drop you flat. That knocked the breath out of me, I was devastated for a moment. I said, "Take me with you." He was surprised again, he said "I didn't think of that." [My Dad was distinctly unimpressed by that statement - he wonders why Mike wouldn't have even considered taking me.] Mike then said, you would leave your grandchildren? You'd have to get a job. I said I could find a job and I could get a CA real estate license. I said I would hate to leave my grandchildren but that I would go anywhere with him and I'm in it for the long haul. He sat there thinking about it all & then said, well let's see what happens, we don't need to discuss it until we know for sure. I'd have prefered to keep discussing it, but let it go. As it turns out, soon after that he took me home to meet his mother and the following week he Took Me Out in Public so things are only getting better.

Now on this past Sunday, his mention of Florida being an alternate option to California surprised me briefly. Then I remembered our mutual friend EV, who works for the same company as Mike, had told me years ago that he wanted to transfer to their Florida branch some day but I was under the impression that it was on the west coast. Anyway, I looked it up online & the location is actually on the east coast, it would be a 3 hour drive to my parents on the west coast. Bummer, that was a bit disappointing although, duh, it's about 22 hours closer to them than I am now. I worry about their health, we've had too many scares from each of them, and it can only get worse as they age.

As attractive as the idea of living in CA is, it would be horrible to move so far from my girls. I hate going a couple of weeks without seeing them now, if I move to CA it would be more like many months at a time without them. I would miss so much of them growing up. Of course, there's streaming web cams but it wouldn't be the same as holding them in my arms. So, Florida is so much closer it wouldn't seem so bad & I would plan to come home often for visits. If I were self-employed again frequent visits wouldn't be an issue as opposed to a regular job.

The thing is, I'm really afraid he'll leave me behind. I slept-walked last night, woke up on the couch with no recollection of going downstairs although I remember going to bed in the bedroom first. I'm not getting a lot of sleep this week.

Monday, September 28, 2009

My weekend, again

Since no one comments I believe no one is reading these blogs so I have no fear of boring to tears or turning anyone's stomachs with my sappy pathetic life. hahaahha. This is therapeutic for me plus it's like a diary, someday I'll be glad I wrote this stuff down, I should have started sooner, there's a lot of my history with Mike that I'm hazy on.

We were sitting on the couch watching TV yesterday, I had changed into a T-shirt & lounge pants. We were discussing the pros and cons of his spending the night on a "school night" and I pointed out that if he went home to sleep, he'd be alone & wouldn't have "my fat white ass" to grab during the night. I opened the "fat" door. [He has never once commented or complained about my weight problem, other than 1 time years ago when I said something self-deprecating about my size, he only commented that if I don't like my weight I should do something about it.] Anyway, we were talking about his liver & how amazing it is that his doc gave him a clean bill of health including the liver. I said something about my liver, that I'm planning on cutting back, and he said - yes, wait for it - it's because of your liver that you have a fat belly. He's never called me fat before, my immediate reaction was hurt, I turned away from him. But he immediately grabbed me, hugging me, put his hand under my shirt onto my stomach, he goes "Sassy, I care about you, I don't want you to have an enlarged liver, that's why your belly is fat." then he's like rubbing the Buddha's belly for good luck. But I couldn't be mad, it was actually really sweet. He's never said anything like that, it made me happy even if I was embarrassed.

Then we were talking about the job he really wants at the company & location he works at now, 30+ years. He won't know till the end of next week. He's talking about taking a transfer to California or Florida. Florida was news to me. He will definitely go if he doesn't get the job here. I said, you would leave your daughter? He goes, she can come with me if she wants. I said, you would leave ME? He mumbled something about buying a house. So who knows. I'd prefer Florida since my parents are there & if I had to, I could drive home to CT in 2 days in case the kids need me. He said, we'll discuss this if & when it's an issue. I can't believe he would leave me. So now I'm happy and scared...

Friday, September 25, 2009

There's No Place Like Home

I HOPE & PRAY with all my heart that I'm going to be renting a cute little Victorian house from a friend in near future. I dream about it every day, it's become such a compulsion that I drive by the house several times a week like some kind of stalker. I know it’s not definite but it gives me some hope that I will finally get out of the nightmare living situation I am in right now, I can’t tell you how thrilled I will be. I just hope it will happen before the first snowfall. I’m boxing stuff up already. It may be several months from now but it can’t hurt to start packing! I’m so excited!! Most importantly, there isn’t a steep flight of stairs to enter the house like I deal with now and even more importantly, the bathroom is upstairs with the bedrooms so I don’t have to go down & up a flight of stairs 3x a night to use the bathroom & then struggle to get back to sleep! I hate everything about living in the multi-family 2-bedroom apartment where I am now, to the point that it affects my quality of life. Bonus: short level driveway to shovel that I won’t get stuck in vs. the muddy &/or frozen sheet of ice/swamp our unpaved, below-street level mud pit that our yard becomes in the winter. WOOHOO! Plus the little backyard where I can plant flowers again [this makes me want to weep with joy I’ve missed my gardens so much] & maybe a little patch of vegetables, plus my own private patio table set that no one is going to borrow or destroy as happens now. And no neighbors up my ass, slamming doors, blasting Reggae, blocking my car in the driveway, keeping the washer & dryer full 24/7 so I can never do laundry at home, pounding down the stairs & waking me at 6 a.m. on a Sunday - oh it gets better, how about vacuuming in the bedroom on the adjoining wall to my bedroom at 6 a.m. on a Sunday?!! Ha, ha and that's just the tip of the iceberg! Although I actually do like my neighbors, I really hate the quality of life of living in a multi-family having owned my own homes from 1988 until 3 years ago. It's been a Very Unhappy transition.

My friend, KS, who owns the house is not a very close friend, but a friend who goes back more than 15 years & we've each invited the other to our homes for parties, etc. She's a very nice person & we have had a lot in common, so it's very easy to talk as friends do, even after not seeing eachother for a year at a time.

KS has a real dilemma with what used to be her charming little home. When she lived there it was about the cutest house I'd ever seen, she has incredible decorating skills & took a very plain, ordinary house & created an absolutely adorable dollhouse. After she moved in with her long-time "boy"friend, L, she rented it out to various tenants through the years without major problems. About 2 years ago, however, L's grandson, grandson's wife, & their child moved into KS's house. They basically destroyed it. Ripped out an antique built-in corner cabinet to make room for their entertainment system; trashed the yard it looks like a town garbage dump; & I don't remember the details but KS says they've done damage in every room in the house. For at least a year & a half KS has been trying to evict them. The first time they went to court, the wife showed up pregnant again with a sob story for the judge, and also somehow came up with the back rent. Apparently the wife is the daughter of, and the daughter of, a multi-generation welfare family that knows how to work the system. Everytime KS has a legal reason to evict them, they somehow come up with the back rent. To make it even more complicated, they are L's family, so KS is in a very very bad situation because this is threatening her 15+ year relationship with L. This situation is almost unbearable since she can't make the mortgage payment without the rent, and more upsetting, she can't bear to drive by her little house because of what they've done to it, she's absolutely beside herself. It has created enormous, unbearable stress for her, poor thing.

One of many problems for me is that my friend KS is a very poor communicator and since she is extremely stressed, she can't deal with my repeated querries about the status of getting them out. She has promised that the house is mine once they are gone. I'd been in it a couple of times when she still lived there, but it's been many years & I can't remember all the details. So I've sent her two emails with the following questions & she's ignored me. !! So it's driving me nuts!
1. Pursuant to our conversation a few months ago, did you ever have a chance to find out what you spent on heat when you lived there? I know the price of oil is higher now, but it would be nice to get an estimate.
2. Also, you mentioned the propane heater in the living room. Is that the same unit that you put in when you lived there & I visited a couple of times? Does it also take wood or coal? If not, is there a wood stove hookup anywhere that I could install a wood stove?
3. Is the basement dry where I could store boxes and extra furniture, etc.? I know it has a walkout to the yard, does that area leak in the winter?
4. Or is there an attic or crawl space, is it walkup, pull down, or just a little square panel you push up and access with a ladder? My greatest problem right now is storing things I use infrequently but need to get at [vs. everything that is in my rented storage unit] like tools, crafts, toys, laundry paraphernalia, holiday paraphernalia [as you know I have "stuff" for every holiday season], etc.
5. Also, where is the laundry hookup? I need to get a used washer & dryer, mine are gone.
6. Did I understand you correctly that you opened the den on the first floor by taking down a wall[s] between it and the living room?

These are the BURNING questions I have. I gave up on her responding back in July so I figured, she's got enough on her plate, I have to stop harassing her. But then in a weak moment this week I sent her one last email:
"I guess this isn’t happening since you aren’t responding to any of my emails, texts, or voicemail. I’m very sad. However, if it’s still a possibility please give me as much notice as possible since I want to give my landlord 2 months notice."

I didn't hear from her, as expected, but then a couple of days later she wrote back:
sorry very busy dont give up yet they being dumb hold tight a little longer thanks

WOOHOO! Please lord, let me catch a break here! I'm desperate to move out and KS is giving me a monthly rent that is $300-400 less than you can rent an entire house anywhere in our area. Although it will stretch my budget, I will save $115/mo. when I get all my sorely-missed belongings out of storage. Plus with a 3-bedroom house plus a den, if I have to I could rent a room out at least during the winter to offset the cost of heat [which is included with my current rent.] Do you remember in the Peter Pan tale when Tink drank the poison to save Peter, she told Peter that if all the boys and girls in the world who believe in fairies would clap their hands then she would live? If you're out there [IS anyone out there?!], Please clap your hands and say, I believe in fairies, and I believe that Sassy's dream will come true, and Oh, Auntie Em, There's No Place Like Home!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Another memorable weekend!

You could have knocked me over with a feather when Mike called me at work Friday and asked me to go with him to the races that night! Out in public! Where we might run into his brother and friends! Of course I said yes, it blew my mind. We actually had fun, I've never been interested in the races but we were rooting for a driver Mike knows and we sat close to the track, so I was pleasantly surprised that I really enjoyed it. He then proceeded to really shock me by asking me to go with him up to the New Hampshire Speedway where the same driver would be racing the following day. Again, the chance we'd run into his brother & their friends. This really meant a lot to me since he's so protective of his daughter's feelings & in the past she was apparently upset that he was seeing someone other than her mother. This was really hard for me to tolerate but I was patient & now it's paid off. [The daughter is 20 now & she must have gotten over it, he hasn't lived with the X since 2003 & hasn't slept with her in over 4 years [during one of 'The Dumpings'], so -Reality Check!]

Anyway, we ended up spending the night in New Hampshire & driving home yesterday. He drank too much on Saturday & was a bit of a bitch Saturday night, so I was not looking forward to being stuck in a vehicle with him for 4 hours, but he ended up being ok for the most part. He had driven on the way up and took the first exit that said Speedway instead of the way he normally goes, then took a wrong turn, so we got a little lost & almost missed the race we specifically went up to see. So on the way home it was my turn to drive, and he was mentioning how annoyed he was with himself for getting off at the wrong exit the day before, he goes, why did I do that? Then [to make sure I'm listening] he goes, huh? to me even though it was a rhetorical question. So I paused a moment, then looked him dead in the eyes and said, "I have three words for you... Beer for Breakfast." He thought that was pretty funny [so did I!]

He is sometimes mean when he's drunk & he was getting that way Saturday night after drinking since he got out of bed that morning [I gave him a look when the first thing he did when he came downstairs was chug a beer - he goes, what - just quenching my thirst. I go, well there's a quart of OJ right next to the beer for thirst... he ignored me, of course.] Anyway, Saturday night he had like a little breakdown about a number of things that stresses him out lately & started mumbling about he only has room in his heart to love his kids, and he's been burned by so many women he just can't bring himself to love me. Ouch. There goes that big carving knife - insert into my heart. He was going on and on about how he agonizes about it at night when he can't sleep and he doesn't know what to do about me. Don't forget, he was pretty trashed. I told him I'll accept being with him under any circumstances, and I'm the last person that would ever burn him, that I love him and blah, blah, blah. I felt like he was heading toward telling me we were over & I was really scared. But that's about as far as it went, thank God. The next morning driving home I got my nerve up and asked if he remembered what he had said the night before and yes, he had. I said, were you trying to break up with me? and held my breath. He said, no, that was just stupid talk, don't worry about it. I was so relieved, that really would have been his perfect opportunity to do it if he had any intention to, so relieved exhalation. We got home, had a nice day together, & he spent the night again [on a school night!], which I guess is becoming a habit, that makes me so happy. But most importantly, I guess I'm out, like a jack in the box, no more dirty little secret. hahaha. I think things are changing for the better and maybe I can stop worrying about another Dumping. That's a Good thing.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Wow! Something positive to talk about 4 a change...

HaHa isn't it ironic. Don't ya think? Usually I do nothing but whine [often over wine] about my pathetic life but WOW! What a great & memorable weekend I had. Things seem to be getting more serious with Mike as in, his behavior over the past few months starting on Mother's Day. He now often comes over on Friday nights after the races or if the races are rained out, he now usually stays through till Sunday evening, showering at my house instead of going home to shower every morning as he had previously. I've had a toothbrush in the medicine cabinet for at least a year, which he uses, but the weekend before last he wanted to shave & asked me to buy him a razor while we were grocery shopping. Since I had a new, unused ladies razor at home I said he should use that instead. But he ended up cutting himself very badly on his cleft chin [imagine Kirk Douglas in Spartacus, honestly he looks like Kirk Douglas except Mike is much more ruddy] & it bled for hours, pretty badly I had to keep changing the bandaid. He lets me baby him like that, I think he secretly likes a woman fussing over him, I know for sure his X never did. The crazy thing is, he's the only man I have ever been "Edith" with. Anyway very occasionally at first & now this is the 3rd weekend he actually stayed over till Monday morning, showering & leaving for work from my house in the morning.

This gets better, I promise. Friday night I didn't hear from him so I thought, well maybe this is the weekend he dumps me again as previously for 3 months [The Dumping]. I've been expecting it since last Christmas and other than ME dumping him after my surgery for 11 weeks, we've been together consistently since a year ago July or August. Anyway, Saturday morning Kate was knocking on my door, she needed a place to stay & she knows she's usually welcome to crash for a day or 2. So, being the bad influence she is [haha], she borrowed some money for beer & we ended up making Bloody Marys after she helped me put stuff in storage and she did my dishes while I mixed up my Recipe. Gotta love that kid. Yeah not the smartest move, but we didn't get trashed or anything, but this lead to my paranoia about this will be the weekend he starts The Dumping. Especially since last weekend he went crazy & drove us to the fish market & bought the biggest lobster they had, like 7 lbs, the biggest frozen shrimp I've ever seen in my life, expensive cocktail sauce, plus 2 rib-eyes. I figured, as he's done occasionally before, it's like the last hurrah before The Dumping - like giving a death row prisoner whatever he wants for dinner the night before the execution. Especially after, when I made a comment that he should leave some clean undies and shirts at my house, he gave me A Look.

Anyway, 2 Bloody Marys later sitting on the deck in the sun Whining to Kate, she got it into her head to call him since I wouldn't. [I texted him 2x the night before & never got a response, so I was going to wait him out at least until his usual 3-ish phone call on Saturdays before he comes over.] She's like, I'm going to tell him to get his ass over here & he'd better bring you roses. I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair. This is a man who in 6-7 on again/off again years has never given me a Valentine's Day, Christmas, or birthday gift or acknowledgement. I said, Hah! he's never even picked me a flower from the garden, he'll never bring me even a carnation from 7/11! She's like, I bet he will, he's different lately. So I took her $5 bet. I said, don't let on that I know anything about this ridiculous scheme, I don't want him thinking I'm fishing for a gift or something, that's so not my thing. Now, I had mentioned in my Friendsgiving post that Mike is very fond of Kate, she's a bubbly sweet 20-something who has a heart of gold, and Kate reminds Mike very much of his daughter, so he's bonded with her in a father/daughter way. So, Kate called & got his voicemail, as I'd expected since she was using my cell phone & if it was The Dumping beginning he won't answer my call[s]. She goes, Mike it's Kate & I'm at Sassy's [obviously since I'm using her phone haha] & we're drinking Bloody Marys and I want you to come over right now [this is like 10:30 am.] and Sassy is in the bathroom & doesn't know I'm calling & I want you to be nicer to her so you'd better not show up without Roses! I'm sitting there with my hand over my mouth laughing my ass off at her. So, she waits like 15 minutes & calls again, she wakes him up: did you listen to my message, Mike? He's like, ah no, I'm sleeping. She goes, well listen to the message & get over here, make sure you bring roses. He goes, I'm going back to sleep. I said, well we won't be seeing him any time soon, if at all. I almost peed myself when he not only showed up 30 minutes later showered & shaved, but with 2 big-bowed white boxes from a very expensive florist with a dozen long-stemmed yellow roses & baby's breath for Kate Plus a dozen long-stemmed RED roses & baby's breath for me. He could have gone to a supermarket chain & spent $20 for each, but no, he wanted drama & that's what he got. He spent well over $100! I burst out crying, I kept kissing & hugging him [of course he was playing Archie Bunker - holding me at arm's length, haha] So, Kate goes: oh Yellow for friendship & he goes, Yup, so obviously he knew and then she goes, Red is for Love. He wouldn't comment but didn't deny anything either. He goes, well enjoy it now because I'm leaving later to go to my brother's to watch [sports or whatever.] He never ended up leaving. So the day went by very pleasantly and great fun [& a certain amount of partaking of illicit substances] was had by all.

Ok, this is getting way too long but I really want to chronicle this weekend, it meant so much to me. We were in bed talking that night & I had a buzz on & was half asleep. I said something that I don't remember saying & he got out of bed & went downstairs. I've done that to him occasionally when I've been hurt by something he's said, so he knew it would get to me--but I never leave the house. I went down a few minutes later to see him pulling out of the driveway. I got hysterical, kept calling him to apologize, he wouldn't answer the phone. I said in my voicemail that I hadn't meant anything, I had only been kidding, & he completely overreacted & it wasn't fair to emotionally blackmail me like that. Kate had woken up, she was sleeping on the couch, so we proceeded to get wasted [she's so supportive, haha, gotta love that.] I don't think we went to sleep till 3 in the morning. So, I was sound asleep & suddenly my bedroom door was thrown open, and like Claude the Cat [at 6.23 min.] who is startled & ends up hanging upside down with claws in the ceiling & all his hair standing up, I screamed & sat up "what the hell is going on?" Of course, it was Mike, 7:30 in the freaking morning, he kind of laughs & goes, "Get up I need your help downstairs." I was amazed that he remembered where I told him I hide the key like a year earlier & he's never used. This is typical Mike behavior, the early morning get up demand, but also what follows instead of a verbal apology. I get downstairs & it was the 3rd gift of the weekend, sitting on top of my oven was a big disposable turkey roaster & next to it in grocery bag was a raw, $96 bone-in prime rib roast. I'm like OMG, you're crazy, we only get this once every few years for Christmas dinner or something big! He knows it's my favorite next to lobster. He ignores me, goes, well take care of it, he'd also purchased minced garlic, basil pesto, and flavored sea salt. Now? He's like, yeah, I have to leave at 1 p.m. I already blew off my brother for you last night, & we're watching football today. I let the for you comment go, I pick my battles with him. I was stumbling exhausted after only 4 hours of sleep & many hours of boozing the night before, so I preheated the oven, pulled the wrapping off the roast to keep the label with the weight, & I mumbled I'll take care of it in a minute & went to the bathroom. I came out minutes later & he had already seasoned it & put it in the oven. We had a discussion about how to/how long to cook it, he's a very good cook, as it turns out we make it exactly the same way and it came out freaking Delicious, the 3 of us had a feast.

Snore, no one but me wants to read all this crap but I've gotta get it down so I won't forget. As early afternoon arrived he was getting more & more antsy about submitting his resume late for a job he wants here at the same place he's worked for 30 years. [This was a huge relief, hopefully he won't have to make the decision to leave me behind if he transfers to CA...] I said, well I'm the queen of resumes, I used to make money doing professional resumes, including attorney's and executives, so I know a little bit about them. He said, well it's got a typo so I need you to fix it, but I don't think I saved it on my computer & you'll need to retype it. Great, huh? He went & got it out of the car [that's big for him believe me] & it was loaded with typos & bad grammer. This is a very smart man with a high IQ so I was a little amazed. But he doesn't read for pleasure & that may explain it, my X didn't either & as smart as he is, he can't spell either. My printer isn't hooked up so we discussed going to the library since I knew his mom was home.

Anyone close to me knows this is a major issue between Mike and me. I've never met his family & although they assume he has a girl, he's never told them about me or identified me. Supposedly it's to keep his 20 [!] year old daughter happy. It's very hurtful to me, but anytime I bring it up he says, Do you want me to leave because I will [& it could very well be that I did so Saturday night & not what he says I supposedly said that made him leave. He did say the next day that he had decided to Teach me a Lesson so that's why he left.] So, what happened next is even more mystifying. His mom happened to call his cell while we were discussing printing a corrected resume & they had a typically short conversation. She mentioned she was leaving for the day in about an hour. He asked me to get dressed so we could go take care of the resume. Luckily I put on a very conservative outfit that looked like something out of the 50's - very cute. [I could easily have gone in an opposite direction with 1 of my slut outfits I like to wear for him, hahaha, but I figured that wasn't too tasteful for our small town library.] My hair, makeup, & outfit was perfect, Thank God. Because we ended up at his house, & as we were going in he said, she might still be home. I was very startled that he continued bringing me in instead of sending me back to the car, I could see he was making a decision. Into the living room we went, and he introduced me TO HIS MOTHER. I wanted to cry for the 3rd time that weekend. He told her I was there to fix his resume, she was sweet she said, I looked it over I thought it was ok, so he waved it at her & I had circled numerous typos/ mistakes in bright marker & we all laughed. He said, Sassy is an expert with resumes so she's going to fix it. When she left I asked him- do you think she knows who I am, as in, your girl, he goes yes I'm sure she realizes. I was overwhelmingly happy. The rest of the weekend through this morning when he left for work from my house was one of the happiest times of my life. I love that man so much it hurts. AND I have leftover Prime Rib!