Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sleep walking fool

I'm still mulling over my conversation with Mike on Sunday about the possibility of his taking a transfer to Florida or California. I guess I never wrote about our conversation about a month ago. He received a very humiliating demotion & pay cut the end of last year and he's been absolutely miserable, de-humanized, mortified, angry, and depressed ever since. He has said more than once that he wants to quit, but there really aren't any jobs out there, and he's worked there most of his adult life. So he really has felt very trapped since he's too young to retire, I've felt so bad for him. Anyway, about a month ago we were talking, he was sober, and he says to me out of the blue, "Do you think you'd be better off with another guy?" I immediately answered Yes. He was never so surprised. I said, well Mike, everyone thinks I should find a man who will treat me right. He goes, why would anyone say that? I said, well my friends think you treat me like shit and he couldn't believe it, he said that's not true, who says that - who knows how I treat you anyway. I said, I have good friends and family that know you don't take me out in public, you have never introduced me to your family, you act like I'm your dirty little secret, like I'm just a booty call, like I'm your mistress & that in fact you are still with your X, and it all makes me feel terrible. My family hates you for all the times you've dumped me and broken my heart. The only friends who don't criticize you are Kate, CP, and T. [that made him feel a little better.] I said, why do you ask [he never never wants to talk about our "relationship" or status so this was really a shocking question coming from him.] He said, well there's a chance I will be taking a transfer to our branch in California and I don't know what to do about you, I don't want to drop you flat. That knocked the breath out of me, I was devastated for a moment. I said, "Take me with you." He was surprised again, he said "I didn't think of that." [My Dad was distinctly unimpressed by that statement - he wonders why Mike wouldn't have even considered taking me.] Mike then said, you would leave your grandchildren? You'd have to get a job. I said I could find a job and I could get a CA real estate license. I said I would hate to leave my grandchildren but that I would go anywhere with him and I'm in it for the long haul. He sat there thinking about it all & then said, well let's see what happens, we don't need to discuss it until we know for sure. I'd have prefered to keep discussing it, but let it go. As it turns out, soon after that he took me home to meet his mother and the following week he Took Me Out in Public so things are only getting better.

Now on this past Sunday, his mention of Florida being an alternate option to California surprised me briefly. Then I remembered our mutual friend EV, who works for the same company as Mike, had told me years ago that he wanted to transfer to their Florida branch some day but I was under the impression that it was on the west coast. Anyway, I looked it up online & the location is actually on the east coast, it would be a 3 hour drive to my parents on the west coast. Bummer, that was a bit disappointing although, duh, it's about 22 hours closer to them than I am now. I worry about their health, we've had too many scares from each of them, and it can only get worse as they age.

As attractive as the idea of living in CA is, it would be horrible to move so far from my girls. I hate going a couple of weeks without seeing them now, if I move to CA it would be more like many months at a time without them. I would miss so much of them growing up. Of course, there's streaming web cams but it wouldn't be the same as holding them in my arms. So, Florida is so much closer it wouldn't seem so bad & I would plan to come home often for visits. If I were self-employed again frequent visits wouldn't be an issue as opposed to a regular job.

The thing is, I'm really afraid he'll leave me behind. I slept-walked last night, woke up on the couch with no recollection of going downstairs although I remember going to bed in the bedroom first. I'm not getting a lot of sleep this week.

Monday, September 28, 2009

My weekend, again

Since no one comments I believe no one is reading these blogs so I have no fear of boring to tears or turning anyone's stomachs with my sappy pathetic life. hahaahha. This is therapeutic for me plus it's like a diary, someday I'll be glad I wrote this stuff down, I should have started sooner, there's a lot of my history with Mike that I'm hazy on.

We were sitting on the couch watching TV yesterday, I had changed into a T-shirt & lounge pants. We were discussing the pros and cons of his spending the night on a "school night" and I pointed out that if he went home to sleep, he'd be alone & wouldn't have "my fat white ass" to grab during the night. I opened the "fat" door. [He has never once commented or complained about my weight problem, other than 1 time years ago when I said something self-deprecating about my size, he only commented that if I don't like my weight I should do something about it.] Anyway, we were talking about his liver & how amazing it is that his doc gave him a clean bill of health including the liver. I said something about my liver, that I'm planning on cutting back, and he said - yes, wait for it - it's because of your liver that you have a fat belly. He's never called me fat before, my immediate reaction was hurt, I turned away from him. But he immediately grabbed me, hugging me, put his hand under my shirt onto my stomach, he goes "Sassy, I care about you, I don't want you to have an enlarged liver, that's why your belly is fat." then he's like rubbing the Buddha's belly for good luck. But I couldn't be mad, it was actually really sweet. He's never said anything like that, it made me happy even if I was embarrassed.

Then we were talking about the job he really wants at the company & location he works at now, 30+ years. He won't know till the end of next week. He's talking about taking a transfer to California or Florida. Florida was news to me. He will definitely go if he doesn't get the job here. I said, you would leave your daughter? He goes, she can come with me if she wants. I said, you would leave ME? He mumbled something about buying a house. So who knows. I'd prefer Florida since my parents are there & if I had to, I could drive home to CT in 2 days in case the kids need me. He said, we'll discuss this if & when it's an issue. I can't believe he would leave me. So now I'm happy and scared...

Friday, September 25, 2009

There's No Place Like Home

I HOPE & PRAY with all my heart that I'm going to be renting a cute little Victorian house from a friend in near future. I dream about it every day, it's become such a compulsion that I drive by the house several times a week like some kind of stalker. I know it’s not definite but it gives me some hope that I will finally get out of the nightmare living situation I am in right now, I can’t tell you how thrilled I will be. I just hope it will happen before the first snowfall. I’m boxing stuff up already. It may be several months from now but it can’t hurt to start packing! I’m so excited!! Most importantly, there isn’t a steep flight of stairs to enter the house like I deal with now and even more importantly, the bathroom is upstairs with the bedrooms so I don’t have to go down & up a flight of stairs 3x a night to use the bathroom & then struggle to get back to sleep! I hate everything about living in the multi-family 2-bedroom apartment where I am now, to the point that it affects my quality of life. Bonus: short level driveway to shovel that I won’t get stuck in vs. the muddy &/or frozen sheet of ice/swamp our unpaved, below-street level mud pit that our yard becomes in the winter. WOOHOO! Plus the little backyard where I can plant flowers again [this makes me want to weep with joy I’ve missed my gardens so much] & maybe a little patch of vegetables, plus my own private patio table set that no one is going to borrow or destroy as happens now. And no neighbors up my ass, slamming doors, blasting Reggae, blocking my car in the driveway, keeping the washer & dryer full 24/7 so I can never do laundry at home, pounding down the stairs & waking me at 6 a.m. on a Sunday - oh it gets better, how about vacuuming in the bedroom on the adjoining wall to my bedroom at 6 a.m. on a Sunday?!! Ha, ha and that's just the tip of the iceberg! Although I actually do like my neighbors, I really hate the quality of life of living in a multi-family having owned my own homes from 1988 until 3 years ago. It's been a Very Unhappy transition.

My friend, KS, who owns the house is not a very close friend, but a friend who goes back more than 15 years & we've each invited the other to our homes for parties, etc. She's a very nice person & we have had a lot in common, so it's very easy to talk as friends do, even after not seeing eachother for a year at a time.

KS has a real dilemma with what used to be her charming little home. When she lived there it was about the cutest house I'd ever seen, she has incredible decorating skills & took a very plain, ordinary house & created an absolutely adorable dollhouse. After she moved in with her long-time "boy"friend, L, she rented it out to various tenants through the years without major problems. About 2 years ago, however, L's grandson, grandson's wife, & their child moved into KS's house. They basically destroyed it. Ripped out an antique built-in corner cabinet to make room for their entertainment system; trashed the yard it looks like a town garbage dump; & I don't remember the details but KS says they've done damage in every room in the house. For at least a year & a half KS has been trying to evict them. The first time they went to court, the wife showed up pregnant again with a sob story for the judge, and also somehow came up with the back rent. Apparently the wife is the daughter of, and the daughter of, a multi-generation welfare family that knows how to work the system. Everytime KS has a legal reason to evict them, they somehow come up with the back rent. To make it even more complicated, they are L's family, so KS is in a very very bad situation because this is threatening her 15+ year relationship with L. This situation is almost unbearable since she can't make the mortgage payment without the rent, and more upsetting, she can't bear to drive by her little house because of what they've done to it, she's absolutely beside herself. It has created enormous, unbearable stress for her, poor thing.

One of many problems for me is that my friend KS is a very poor communicator and since she is extremely stressed, she can't deal with my repeated querries about the status of getting them out. She has promised that the house is mine once they are gone. I'd been in it a couple of times when she still lived there, but it's been many years & I can't remember all the details. So I've sent her two emails with the following questions & she's ignored me. !! So it's driving me nuts!
1. Pursuant to our conversation a few months ago, did you ever have a chance to find out what you spent on heat when you lived there? I know the price of oil is higher now, but it would be nice to get an estimate.
2. Also, you mentioned the propane heater in the living room. Is that the same unit that you put in when you lived there & I visited a couple of times? Does it also take wood or coal? If not, is there a wood stove hookup anywhere that I could install a wood stove?
3. Is the basement dry where I could store boxes and extra furniture, etc.? I know it has a walkout to the yard, does that area leak in the winter?
4. Or is there an attic or crawl space, is it walkup, pull down, or just a little square panel you push up and access with a ladder? My greatest problem right now is storing things I use infrequently but need to get at [vs. everything that is in my rented storage unit] like tools, crafts, toys, laundry paraphernalia, holiday paraphernalia [as you know I have "stuff" for every holiday season], etc.
5. Also, where is the laundry hookup? I need to get a used washer & dryer, mine are gone.
6. Did I understand you correctly that you opened the den on the first floor by taking down a wall[s] between it and the living room?

These are the BURNING questions I have. I gave up on her responding back in July so I figured, she's got enough on her plate, I have to stop harassing her. But then in a weak moment this week I sent her one last email:
"I guess this isn’t happening since you aren’t responding to any of my emails, texts, or voicemail. I’m very sad. However, if it’s still a possibility please give me as much notice as possible since I want to give my landlord 2 months notice."

I didn't hear from her, as expected, but then a couple of days later she wrote back:
sorry very busy dont give up yet they being dumb hold tight a little longer thanks

WOOHOO! Please lord, let me catch a break here! I'm desperate to move out and KS is giving me a monthly rent that is $300-400 less than you can rent an entire house anywhere in our area. Although it will stretch my budget, I will save $115/mo. when I get all my sorely-missed belongings out of storage. Plus with a 3-bedroom house plus a den, if I have to I could rent a room out at least during the winter to offset the cost of heat [which is included with my current rent.] Do you remember in the Peter Pan tale when Tink drank the poison to save Peter, she told Peter that if all the boys and girls in the world who believe in fairies would clap their hands then she would live? If you're out there [IS anyone out there?!], Please clap your hands and say, I believe in fairies, and I believe that Sassy's dream will come true, and Oh, Auntie Em, There's No Place Like Home!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Another memorable weekend!

You could have knocked me over with a feather when Mike called me at work Friday and asked me to go with him to the races that night! Out in public! Where we might run into his brother and friends! Of course I said yes, it blew my mind. We actually had fun, I've never been interested in the races but we were rooting for a driver Mike knows and we sat close to the track, so I was pleasantly surprised that I really enjoyed it. He then proceeded to really shock me by asking me to go with him up to the New Hampshire Speedway where the same driver would be racing the following day. Again, the chance we'd run into his brother & their friends. This really meant a lot to me since he's so protective of his daughter's feelings & in the past she was apparently upset that he was seeing someone other than her mother. This was really hard for me to tolerate but I was patient & now it's paid off. [The daughter is 20 now & she must have gotten over it, he hasn't lived with the X since 2003 & hasn't slept with her in over 4 years [during one of 'The Dumpings'], so -Reality Check!]

Anyway, we ended up spending the night in New Hampshire & driving home yesterday. He drank too much on Saturday & was a bit of a bitch Saturday night, so I was not looking forward to being stuck in a vehicle with him for 4 hours, but he ended up being ok for the most part. He had driven on the way up and took the first exit that said Speedway instead of the way he normally goes, then took a wrong turn, so we got a little lost & almost missed the race we specifically went up to see. So on the way home it was my turn to drive, and he was mentioning how annoyed he was with himself for getting off at the wrong exit the day before, he goes, why did I do that? Then [to make sure I'm listening] he goes, huh? to me even though it was a rhetorical question. So I paused a moment, then looked him dead in the eyes and said, "I have three words for you... Beer for Breakfast." He thought that was pretty funny [so did I!]

He is sometimes mean when he's drunk & he was getting that way Saturday night after drinking since he got out of bed that morning [I gave him a look when the first thing he did when he came downstairs was chug a beer - he goes, what - just quenching my thirst. I go, well there's a quart of OJ right next to the beer for thirst... he ignored me, of course.] Anyway, Saturday night he had like a little breakdown about a number of things that stresses him out lately & started mumbling about he only has room in his heart to love his kids, and he's been burned by so many women he just can't bring himself to love me. Ouch. There goes that big carving knife - insert into my heart. He was going on and on about how he agonizes about it at night when he can't sleep and he doesn't know what to do about me. Don't forget, he was pretty trashed. I told him I'll accept being with him under any circumstances, and I'm the last person that would ever burn him, that I love him and blah, blah, blah. I felt like he was heading toward telling me we were over & I was really scared. But that's about as far as it went, thank God. The next morning driving home I got my nerve up and asked if he remembered what he had said the night before and yes, he had. I said, were you trying to break up with me? and held my breath. He said, no, that was just stupid talk, don't worry about it. I was so relieved, that really would have been his perfect opportunity to do it if he had any intention to, so relieved exhalation. We got home, had a nice day together, & he spent the night again [on a school night!], which I guess is becoming a habit, that makes me so happy. But most importantly, I guess I'm out, like a jack in the box, no more dirty little secret. hahaha. I think things are changing for the better and maybe I can stop worrying about another Dumping. That's a Good thing.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Wow! Something positive to talk about 4 a change...

HaHa isn't it ironic. Don't ya think? Usually I do nothing but whine [often over wine] about my pathetic life but WOW! What a great & memorable weekend I had. Things seem to be getting more serious with Mike as in, his behavior over the past few months starting on Mother's Day. He now often comes over on Friday nights after the races or if the races are rained out, he now usually stays through till Sunday evening, showering at my house instead of going home to shower every morning as he had previously. I've had a toothbrush in the medicine cabinet for at least a year, which he uses, but the weekend before last he wanted to shave & asked me to buy him a razor while we were grocery shopping. Since I had a new, unused ladies razor at home I said he should use that instead. But he ended up cutting himself very badly on his cleft chin [imagine Kirk Douglas in Spartacus, honestly he looks like Kirk Douglas except Mike is much more ruddy] & it bled for hours, pretty badly I had to keep changing the bandaid. He lets me baby him like that, I think he secretly likes a woman fussing over him, I know for sure his X never did. The crazy thing is, he's the only man I have ever been "Edith" with. Anyway very occasionally at first & now this is the 3rd weekend he actually stayed over till Monday morning, showering & leaving for work from my house in the morning.

This gets better, I promise. Friday night I didn't hear from him so I thought, well maybe this is the weekend he dumps me again as previously for 3 months [The Dumping]. I've been expecting it since last Christmas and other than ME dumping him after my surgery for 11 weeks, we've been together consistently since a year ago July or August. Anyway, Saturday morning Kate was knocking on my door, she needed a place to stay & she knows she's usually welcome to crash for a day or 2. So, being the bad influence she is [haha], she borrowed some money for beer & we ended up making Bloody Marys after she helped me put stuff in storage and she did my dishes while I mixed up my Recipe. Gotta love that kid. Yeah not the smartest move, but we didn't get trashed or anything, but this lead to my paranoia about this will be the weekend he starts The Dumping. Especially since last weekend he went crazy & drove us to the fish market & bought the biggest lobster they had, like 7 lbs, the biggest frozen shrimp I've ever seen in my life, expensive cocktail sauce, plus 2 rib-eyes. I figured, as he's done occasionally before, it's like the last hurrah before The Dumping - like giving a death row prisoner whatever he wants for dinner the night before the execution. Especially after, when I made a comment that he should leave some clean undies and shirts at my house, he gave me A Look.

Anyway, 2 Bloody Marys later sitting on the deck in the sun Whining to Kate, she got it into her head to call him since I wouldn't. [I texted him 2x the night before & never got a response, so I was going to wait him out at least until his usual 3-ish phone call on Saturdays before he comes over.] She's like, I'm going to tell him to get his ass over here & he'd better bring you roses. I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair. This is a man who in 6-7 on again/off again years has never given me a Valentine's Day, Christmas, or birthday gift or acknowledgement. I said, Hah! he's never even picked me a flower from the garden, he'll never bring me even a carnation from 7/11! She's like, I bet he will, he's different lately. So I took her $5 bet. I said, don't let on that I know anything about this ridiculous scheme, I don't want him thinking I'm fishing for a gift or something, that's so not my thing. Now, I had mentioned in my Friendsgiving post that Mike is very fond of Kate, she's a bubbly sweet 20-something who has a heart of gold, and Kate reminds Mike very much of his daughter, so he's bonded with her in a father/daughter way. So, Kate called & got his voicemail, as I'd expected since she was using my cell phone & if it was The Dumping beginning he won't answer my call[s]. She goes, Mike it's Kate & I'm at Sassy's [obviously since I'm using her phone haha] & we're drinking Bloody Marys and I want you to come over right now [this is like 10:30 am.] and Sassy is in the bathroom & doesn't know I'm calling & I want you to be nicer to her so you'd better not show up without Roses! I'm sitting there with my hand over my mouth laughing my ass off at her. So, she waits like 15 minutes & calls again, she wakes him up: did you listen to my message, Mike? He's like, ah no, I'm sleeping. She goes, well listen to the message & get over here, make sure you bring roses. He goes, I'm going back to sleep. I said, well we won't be seeing him any time soon, if at all. I almost peed myself when he not only showed up 30 minutes later showered & shaved, but with 2 big-bowed white boxes from a very expensive florist with a dozen long-stemmed yellow roses & baby's breath for Kate Plus a dozen long-stemmed RED roses & baby's breath for me. He could have gone to a supermarket chain & spent $20 for each, but no, he wanted drama & that's what he got. He spent well over $100! I burst out crying, I kept kissing & hugging him [of course he was playing Archie Bunker - holding me at arm's length, haha] So, Kate goes: oh Yellow for friendship & he goes, Yup, so obviously he knew and then she goes, Red is for Love. He wouldn't comment but didn't deny anything either. He goes, well enjoy it now because I'm leaving later to go to my brother's to watch [sports or whatever.] He never ended up leaving. So the day went by very pleasantly and great fun [& a certain amount of partaking of illicit substances] was had by all.

Ok, this is getting way too long but I really want to chronicle this weekend, it meant so much to me. We were in bed talking that night & I had a buzz on & was half asleep. I said something that I don't remember saying & he got out of bed & went downstairs. I've done that to him occasionally when I've been hurt by something he's said, so he knew it would get to me--but I never leave the house. I went down a few minutes later to see him pulling out of the driveway. I got hysterical, kept calling him to apologize, he wouldn't answer the phone. I said in my voicemail that I hadn't meant anything, I had only been kidding, & he completely overreacted & it wasn't fair to emotionally blackmail me like that. Kate had woken up, she was sleeping on the couch, so we proceeded to get wasted [she's so supportive, haha, gotta love that.] I don't think we went to sleep till 3 in the morning. So, I was sound asleep & suddenly my bedroom door was thrown open, and like Claude the Cat [at 6.23 min.] who is startled & ends up hanging upside down with claws in the ceiling & all his hair standing up, I screamed & sat up "what the hell is going on?" Of course, it was Mike, 7:30 in the freaking morning, he kind of laughs & goes, "Get up I need your help downstairs." I was amazed that he remembered where I told him I hide the key like a year earlier & he's never used. This is typical Mike behavior, the early morning get up demand, but also what follows instead of a verbal apology. I get downstairs & it was the 3rd gift of the weekend, sitting on top of my oven was a big disposable turkey roaster & next to it in grocery bag was a raw, $96 bone-in prime rib roast. I'm like OMG, you're crazy, we only get this once every few years for Christmas dinner or something big! He knows it's my favorite next to lobster. He ignores me, goes, well take care of it, he'd also purchased minced garlic, basil pesto, and flavored sea salt. Now? He's like, yeah, I have to leave at 1 p.m. I already blew off my brother for you last night, & we're watching football today. I let the for you comment go, I pick my battles with him. I was stumbling exhausted after only 4 hours of sleep & many hours of boozing the night before, so I preheated the oven, pulled the wrapping off the roast to keep the label with the weight, & I mumbled I'll take care of it in a minute & went to the bathroom. I came out minutes later & he had already seasoned it & put it in the oven. We had a discussion about how to/how long to cook it, he's a very good cook, as it turns out we make it exactly the same way and it came out freaking Delicious, the 3 of us had a feast.

Snore, no one but me wants to read all this crap but I've gotta get it down so I won't forget. As early afternoon arrived he was getting more & more antsy about submitting his resume late for a job he wants here at the same place he's worked for 30 years. [This was a huge relief, hopefully he won't have to make the decision to leave me behind if he transfers to CA...] I said, well I'm the queen of resumes, I used to make money doing professional resumes, including attorney's and executives, so I know a little bit about them. He said, well it's got a typo so I need you to fix it, but I don't think I saved it on my computer & you'll need to retype it. Great, huh? He went & got it out of the car [that's big for him believe me] & it was loaded with typos & bad grammer. This is a very smart man with a high IQ so I was a little amazed. But he doesn't read for pleasure & that may explain it, my X didn't either & as smart as he is, he can't spell either. My printer isn't hooked up so we discussed going to the library since I knew his mom was home.

Anyone close to me knows this is a major issue between Mike and me. I've never met his family & although they assume he has a girl, he's never told them about me or identified me. Supposedly it's to keep his 20 [!] year old daughter happy. It's very hurtful to me, but anytime I bring it up he says, Do you want me to leave because I will [& it could very well be that I did so Saturday night & not what he says I supposedly said that made him leave. He did say the next day that he had decided to Teach me a Lesson so that's why he left.] So, what happened next is even more mystifying. His mom happened to call his cell while we were discussing printing a corrected resume & they had a typically short conversation. She mentioned she was leaving for the day in about an hour. He asked me to get dressed so we could go take care of the resume. Luckily I put on a very conservative outfit that looked like something out of the 50's - very cute. [I could easily have gone in an opposite direction with 1 of my slut outfits I like to wear for him, hahaha, but I figured that wasn't too tasteful for our small town library.] My hair, makeup, & outfit was perfect, Thank God. Because we ended up at his house, & as we were going in he said, she might still be home. I was very startled that he continued bringing me in instead of sending me back to the car, I could see he was making a decision. Into the living room we went, and he introduced me TO HIS MOTHER. I wanted to cry for the 3rd time that weekend. He told her I was there to fix his resume, she was sweet she said, I looked it over I thought it was ok, so he waved it at her & I had circled numerous typos/ mistakes in bright marker & we all laughed. He said, Sassy is an expert with resumes so she's going to fix it. When she left I asked him- do you think she knows who I am, as in, your girl, he goes yes I'm sure she realizes. I was overwhelmingly happy. The rest of the weekend through this morning when he left for work from my house was one of the happiest times of my life. I love that man so much it hurts. AND I have leftover Prime Rib!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I was thrilled & delighted to receive the Honest Scrap award from my sis, Fantz, at Fancy Schmancy. Although she's my li'l sis, I look up to her Big Time when it comes to blogging, and I am admittedly lagging light years behind her in quality and quantity! Hey man, I don't have Internet at home & can only steal tiny moments of quiet to think during a working lunch in this bedlam I call an office. Anyway, the "Honest Scrap rules are as follows: “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must be shared!"

  1. First, the recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.

  2. Second, the recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.

  3. Third, those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given with this award.
    Those 10 bloggers that receive this award should link back to the blog that awarded them “The Honest Scrap’ award.

OK, this will be the first part of the Following of the Rules [I'll have to get to the 2nd & 3rd rules at a later date]: 10 true things about me just off the top of my head since, if I wait & think about it, I will forget to get back on here to follow up!

  1. Speaking of forgetting... I have so much going on that unless I make lists and then lists of lists, I suffer from the unenviable disease of CRS. Can't Remember Shit. I can't blame it on old age, since I've had it for many years. I'd rather blame it on Mommy Dearest since she's had it as long as I can remember - which is back to the age of 3. Not her age, mine. More about Age 3 another time...
  2. I am a slob. Yes I admit it. A Major Enormo Slob. My desk is overflowing with piles of junk haphazardly perched and spilling all over the place. I have to admit part of it was to torment my former co-worker who is a neat freak of the Felix Unger variety and I happily played Oscar to her Felix. I'm probably dating myself, they were characters in a 1970's TV show called The Odd Couple about a neat freak and a slob, separated from their wives, who had to live together. [It reminds me very much of the modern day Two and a Half Men, one of my favorite shows. yummmmmmmmmmm- Charlie...] Even Felix & Oscar's portrayed personalities matched that of me and my co-worker, The Princess, as I dubbed her. hahaha. Oscar was also a crabby grump and Felix drove him nuts as well. Now I guess I need to clean up my act since Princess just retired & I don't have her to pick on anymore! The problem is, when I clean things up, I can't find anything. Yeah, I'll maybe get to the cleaning up part tomorrow.
  3. Which leads me to - World's Greatest Procrastinator. Probably a euphemism for "Lazy". I always put off till tomorrow what should be done today. If I put something off long enough sometimes it just goes away. That doesn't actually always work but the good news is, when pushed into a corner or facing a deadline, I spring to action and usually pull off my best work under pressure. I've been that way since high school and would produce some brilliant work, if i do say so.
  4. I love to bargain hunt. My favorite addiction is to shop at Ocean State Job Lots. They sell manufacturer's overruns, overstocks, packaging changes, etc. at close-out prices. I take it to the next level by signing up for Internet coupons for stuff in the store that you have to really hunt to find, which is annoying but whatevs. I now have things I only buy there & am dreading going in to find they don't carry it anymore, stuff they sometimes have for a year or more at a time will suddenly be gone for good! For a long time they had super duper big jars of minced garlic for practically Free, plus these ready to eat boxes of Indian curries & Indian vegetable dishes, I was hooked up for about a year, then one day - gone. The same with bread machine mixes, where you just dump in the mix & measure water or oil and you're done - gone! To think that I must now go and buy yeast - that's got a short shelf life - and special flour, geez I don't know if I can handle all that extra work! [Remember #3, Lazy...] Now, I go there for incredibly low prices on grated cheese, tinned crabmeat, olive oil, spices, disposable baking tins, nuts, cards, tools, light bulbs, seasonal stuff like veggie/flower seeds, & of course, TOYS. The prices for toys are unreal, especially in November when they come out with the holiday stock. Yes, I am obsessed with my OSJL!
  5. I'm a Freecycle Freak. My sista Fantz turned me onto it a few years ago & I enjoy it so much I am Jonesing for it on the weekend when I don't have access to the Net. It's a grassroots, nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It's all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills. I was brought up by a father who Never. Threw. Anything. Away. EVER. I unfortunately inherited his very bad habits, being a packrat is only one of them unfortunately [that's yet another completely different blog- watch for it because it will be a goody]. So Freecycle frees Me, Mme. Chaos. I had a perfectly good bread machine that I got from Mommy Dearest when she and Horhay [Daddy Packrat] moved to Florida. I made bread one evening for some event where I had family over for dinner. When you bake the bread & remove it from the machine, there's a metal 1 1/2" paddle doo-hicky that slides out of the machine & remains in the bottom of the bread. You have to pull it from the bread & it's covered with baked crust. So I soak it in the sink for a while to make it easy to clean. My daughter, Chaos Junior, somehow threw it away when cleaning the drain baskets. I couldn't find a replacement part & it was killing me to just throw my beloved bread machine away, so I figured-who knows- someone might want it. It wasn't even posted on Freecycle for a full day & I received several requests for it, all with full disclosure that they would need to buy a new doo-hicky to actually make bread! Off it went to a new home with a very happy Freecycler. And I've lucked into tons of great finds myself: a rusty bike for the occasional overnight visit of my 9 year old granddaughter; tons of toys including an old Fisher Price outdoor playscape & ride-on rocking horse; frozen beef from a farm that needed to be moved out of the freezer to make way for the soon to be slaughtered cow; a glass patio table for my daughter; many children's & adult books & VHS children's movies [even including two 4' tall freestanding VHS holders]; working VCR's; TVs; air conditioners; clothes, & more. I've given away tons of clothes, kitchenware, appliances, etc. myself on Freecycle. I live guilt free from throwing anything away that could still be used For the Good of Others and Our Earth. [I am right now, as we speak, running barefoot in a meadow throwing daisies. Really.]

OK, that was 5 of ten, way way too long & too much info, so I will take this up again tomorrow! I'm actually expected to work around here, can you believe the nerve of some people?

Monday, June 15, 2009


I guess I never posted after Friendsgiving about the event itself. The night of Friendsgiving went bad with Mike, he was pretty drunk. Friendsgiving was a lot of fun but waaaaaayyyy too much work. Mike not only made delicious gravy after he came to my house, he made prime rib & gravy for that plus asparagus at his house and brought it already sliced on this big platter all decorated with the asparagus. Of course he was drinking too much and got rebuked by Y because he kept calling KM a little bitch in his fond manner. I was a little embarrassed. He was only kidding with her, and she knew that, but Y said [imagine Island accent here:] 'no more of dat, man, dat's de 3rd time you called KM a bitch.' Luckily Mike didn't get mad about it or rude, he just said he didn't mean anything by it. He looked so puzzled, it's actually a little funny in retrospect. No one was helping to clean up after eating, so Y completely took over my kitchen, doing dishes, putting food away, then Mike joined in [I doubt he would have if Y hadn't started cleaning] and it got really quiet & uncomfortable but it was all cleaned up in less than 10 minutes so I was very happy about that. Y doesn't like him & he's told me he doesn't like the way Mike talks to me. After the food, Y started blasting his f-ing reggae and his black friend G was there with her adult daughter, nice people. Anyway we all start dancing [if you can't beat them join them], the daughter was trying to teach me that booty-in-your-face move, it was hysterical. Anyway Y starts smoking pot and Mike imagined that one or both of the friends were smoking crack. He goes, 'I’m out of here', really nasty, to me so I left with him. He was like, I am not hanging around with crackheads especially with little kids in the same room. I’m like, there is no way G was smoking crack, maybe pot but definitely not crack! She’s a foster mom and she’s a saint. He was right, of course, about smoking Anything in the same room as little kids, I don't like it either. So he doesn't always play well with others, but in that case he used good judgment even though he was rude. Oh well. I love my Mikey, can't help it.

Happy today

I had the most fantastic weekend, the only things that could have made it better would have been having my grands with me, too. Mike came over Saturday afternoon and actually stayed until pretty late last night. [He usually leaves no later than 3 pm on Sundays, and often leaves first thing in the morning Sunday & then comes back but lately he's just staying straight through so that makes me very happy.] We had such a really good time, T & Y joined us for drinks and then K came over to get ready for a party she was going to & that was really wonderful. Mike was super talkative and social, he was very nice to Y which was good because he was such a jerk on Friendsgiving, but I think Y is over it by now. K asked me for money for something valid, and Mike handed her all the singles in his wallet even though he's extremely broke right now. He's normally like that anyway, he's very giving. I love him so much and I think he loves me in his way although he just won't say it, he seems much warmer to me lately. K spent the night, which was really good since she was drinking, and then hanged out with us for a couple of hours after she woke up. T and kids were in and out all day; they adore Mike because he loves to play with them. Who would imagine that such a mean looking man just melts with little kids. Even though I drank too much last night, and I'm paying for it today, I am so happy today.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Substitute "Mike" for Jesse, this song could have been written about me and Mike, right down to the friends being apalled that she took him back -there's nothing left to say after that.
(Carly Simon/Mike Mainieri)
Oh mother, say a prayer for me Jesse's back in town, it won't be easy
Don't let him near me
Don't let him touch me
Don't let him please me

Jesse, I won't cut fresh flowers for you
Jesse, I won't make the wine cold for you
Jesse, I won't change the sheets for you
I won't put on cologne I won't sit by the phone for you

Annie, keep reminding me
That he cut out my heart like a paper doll
Sally, tell me once again
How he set me up just to see me fall

Jesse, I won't cut fresh flowers for you
Jesse, I won't make the wine cold for you
Jesse, I won't change the sheets for you
I won't put on cologne I won't sit by the phone for you

Jesse, quick come here I won't tell a soul
Not even myself
Jesse, that you've come back to me
My friends will all say "She's gone again'
But how can anyone know what you are to me
That I'm in heaven again because you've come back to me - Oh Jessie!

Jesse, I'll always cut fresh flowers for you
Jesse, I'll always make the wine cold for you
Jesse, I can easily change my mind about you
And put on cologne And sit by the phone for you

Jesse, let's open the wine
And drink to the heart
Which has a will of it's own
My friends, let's comfort them
They're feeling bad
They think I've sunk so low

Jesse, I'll always cut fresh flowers for you
Jesse, I'll always make the wine cold for you
Jesse, I will change the sheets for you
Put on cologne
And I will wait by the phone for you - Oh Jesse!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

It's all the same fucking day, man.

From the profound Goddess, Janis Joplin singing Ball and Chain live on the album, Joplin in Concert: "...I mean, if you got a cat for one day, man — I mean, if you, say, say, if you want a cat for 365 days, right — You ain't got him for 365 days, you got him for one day, man. Well I tell you that one day, man, better be your life, man. Because, you know, you can say, oh man, you can cry about the other 364, man, but you're gonna lose that one day, man, and that's all you've got. You gotta call that love, man. That's what it is, man. If you got it today you don't want it tomorrow, man, 'cause you don't need it, 'cause as a matter of fact, as we discovered in the train, tomorrow never happens, man. It's all the same fucking day, man."
I thought this was really profound, from the dailygazette.com in Schenectady, NY

Letters to the Editor for May 31 Saturday, May 31, 2008

If only today’s parents ‘drugged’ their kids a bit more than they do.
As I read the local papers this past week, I have come to realize that there is an ever-growing drug problem in and around our community. It was noted that an estimated 30 children under the age of 18 have been arrested on substance-related charges. As a parent and community member, this is of great concern.
The following story addresses the issue of who is accountable for the children. The story is as follows:
The other day someone at a store in our city read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county. He asked me a rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drugged to church on Sunday morning. I was drugged to church for weddings and funerals. I was drugged to family reunions and community socials, no matter the weather. I was drugged by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was drugged to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, didn’t speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drugged to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I used profanity. I was drugged out to pull weeds in my mom’s garden and flower beds. I was drugged to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline or chop some firewood. And if my mother ever knew that I took a single dime as a tip of kindness, she would have drugged me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins, and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin. If today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America and our communities would be a much better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us. This is in no way a criticism on [today’s] parents. There are a great many parents who do their best and try their hardest to raise children with respect and concern for their neighbors, communities and country.
There was a message broadcast before the television when I grew up, and I end this letter with it, due to the point it makes: “It’s 10 o’clock, do you know where your children are?”
John Southworth, Mechanicville
The writer is a substance abuse therapist.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Show your friends how much you care.

This story was emailed to me by a friend. I've heard it before but wanted to share it again because it's a good message and I'm feeling low today.

We all know or knew someone like this!!
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.'
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids runni ng toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him... He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.' They really should get lives. ' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!' There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! ' He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship..
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. ' Thanks,' he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends.... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable..' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse.. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.. Look for God in others. You now have two choices, you can : 1) Pass this on to your friends or 2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.
'Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.'
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care.